Tag Archives: Humor

HOW COPS HARASS CITIZENS — THE WETASKIWIN, ALBERTA WAY

Police harassment is a serious issue. No one wants to be hassled by the cops. That’s true, but the vast number of contacts between the police and the public are really good. However, there’re rare times where some cops overstep their civil boundaries and exercise questionable behavior when dealing with citizens. Then, there’s time for fun.

Most police harassment complaints are trumped up or leave something out about what started the conflict. Over my years in policing, I can honestly say I never saw a case where an officer intentionally went overboard without there being some sort of provocation on a citizen’s part. Maybe that’s because I’m from Canada where we’ve got polite policing down to a science—especially our red-coated Mounties who start reading suspect rights with a “Sorry”.

I won’t say legitimate police harassment doesn’t happen. But, I will say there’re usually two sides to a story. Speaking of stories, I got a laugh the other day when a friend shipped me a letter from Wetaskiwin’s local newspaper. For those who’ve never heard of Wetaskiwin, it’s a small town 40 miles south of Edmonton, in the Province of Alberta in western Canada. Like so many Canadian prairie towns, Wetaskiwin has the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) maintaining their right.

They’ve also got an RCMP Sergeant with a great sense of humor. Part of the Wetaskiwin, Alberta RCMP detachment’s community service is maintaining a newspaper crime page. This article was so bang-on that I had to steal the content and post it on DyingWords. With no apologies for plagiarism or copyright invasion, here’s how the good Sergeant replied to this reader question:

 “I’d like to know how it’s possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?”

Sergeant Dooright: “First off, let me tell you this—it ain’t easy. In Wetaskiwin and rural surrounding areas, we average one cop for every 505 people. Only about 60 percent of our cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as “general patrols”). This is where we do most of our harassing.

The rest are in non-harassing units that don’t allow them to contact with day to day innocents. And, at any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60 percent of general patrols are on duty and available for harassing people. The rest are off duty. They don’t want to be bothered harassing people on their own time.

So, roughly, one cop is responsible for regularly harassing about 6000 permanent residents at any given time. When you toss in the commercial business and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you got a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 15,000 people a day. Or maybe even more.

Consider this—your average cop’s eight-hour shift runs 28,800 seconds long. This gives that cop only two-thirds of a second to harass a person. Then they have just another third of a second to sip a Tim Horton’s coffee, scarf a donut, and then find a new person to harass. This isn’t an easy task. Far from it.

To be honest, most cops aren’t up to the challenge day in and day out. It’s just too tiring. What we do is utilize some trade tools to help narrow down those people we can realistically spend time giving quality harassment.

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. For example, “My neighbor is beating his wife” is a code phrase often used. This means we’ll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one is, “There’s a guy breaking into a house.” The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance, or drivers with no licenses and the like. It’s lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk or have an outstanding warrant on file.

LAWS: When we don’t have phones or cars and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They’re called “Statutes”. These include the Crimes Act, Summary Offences Act, Land Transport Act and a whole bunch of others.

Laws spell out all sorts of things for how you can really mess with people. After you read the law, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week, I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, the book says that’s not allowed. That meant I had permission to harass this guy.

It is a really cool system we’ve set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because, for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to “harass” some people.

Next time you’re in small-town Wetaskiwin, Alberta, Canada, give me the old “single finger wave”. That’s another one of those codes. It means, “You can harass me.” It’s one of our favorite harassment go-aheads—and I love getting away with it.”

SIXTEEN NEW YEARS THOUGHTS FROM GETTING OLD

A4It’s 2016 and I’m starting a new year, just like you. I’m turning sixty this year and finally resolved to do something I’ve meant to do for a long, long time—before I’m too old to carry it out—I cleaned up my hard drive, storing a half zillion documents neatly in folders… and I found this piece stuffed away. I have no idea who wrote it, or where I got it, but it made me chuckle reading these sixteen thoughts from getting old. 

A516. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

15. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

14. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

13. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

12. We never really grow up. We only learn how to act in public.

A711. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

8. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

7. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.

A86. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

5. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

4. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

2. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

1. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Here’s a bonus thought:

Youth and exuberance are no match for old age and treachery 🙂

A6

Happy New Year and I hope 2016 brings you health and happiness—life’s most precious gifts.

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

Famous last words, or a person’s dying words, can make them immortal – never mind leaving wisdom or a good laugh for the living.

Famous Last WordsWhen I started dyingwords.net I put these on a web page. They’re still there, but I thought it’d make a good blog post. If you have any to offer please comment and I’ll add them to the page. Here goes:

William Somerset Maugham – “Dying is a very dull and dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.”

Errol Flynn – “I’ve had a hell of a lot of fun and I’ve enjoyed every minute of it.”

 

Queen Elizabeth I

Queen Elizabeth I

Queen Elizabeth I – “All my possessions for a moment of time.”

Oscar Wilde – “Either that wallpaper goes or I do.”

 

Julius Caesar

Julius Caesar

Julius Caesar – “Et tu, Brute?”

Che Guevara – “I know you have come to kill me. Shoot, Coward. You are only going to kill a man.”

Thomas Edison – “It is very beautiful over there.”

Prophet Mohammed – “Oh Allah. Pardon my sins. Yes, I come.”

 

Todd Beamer

Todd Beamer

Todd Beamer – “Let’s roll.”

Leonardo Da Vinci – “I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.”

Karl Marx – “Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.”

Jesus Christ – “It is finished. Father, into your hands I commend my spirit.”

 

Robert Alton Harris

Robert Alton Harris

Robert Alton Harris (California Gas Chamber, 1992) – “You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper.”

Francis ‘Two-Gun’ Crowley (Texas Electric Chair, 1931) – “You sons of bitches. Give my love to mother.”

Crowfoot (American Blackfoot Indian Orator) – “What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the winter. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.”

 

George Armstrong Custer

George Armstrong Custer

George Armstrong Custer (Colonel, U.S. 7th Cavalry) – “Holy cow! Look…at all…the fuckin’…Indians.”

What have you got to add?

I’m dying to hear your words.