Have you ever wondered what it’s like to investigate a real murder case?

You probably have. At least the popularity of TV shows like CSI, Bones & Hawaii 5-0 suggests that there’s a huge public interest in what goes on behind the homicide scenes.

I never kept track of how many homicides I was involved in. Lots.

There’s different degrees of murders. First degree is when it’s planned and deliberate. Second degree is deliberate, but spontaneous. Manslaughter is when it’s not intentional, but the actions are so reckless that it results in death. Then there’s the various angles of criminal negligence causing death, impaired driving causing death, and assisting suicide.

One thing I learned is that there’s never two cases the same. People find some vicious and creative ways to do others in. Here’s five cases that really stand out.

5. The Pork-Chop Murder

There was this real low-life named Gerry who had a cult following that did all his dirty work – drug dealing, break-ins, strong-arming, and shoplifting. He thought one of his minions double-crossed him so he ordered the other drones to kidnap the young guy and bring him before a ‘tribunal’. They kicked the shit out of this youth who refused to confess (because he was actually innocent). Failing to get anywhere, he ordered them to finish the kid off. One of the disciples went to the freezer, got a bag of frozen pork chops, and proceeded to cave the youth’s head in with it, causing a massive subdural hematoma resulting in death. They took the body out, dumped it in an alley, then put the pork chops back in the freezer. It wasn’t difficult to solve. The trail of blood led back in the house and straight to the murder weapon in the freezer.

4. Bing

“Bing’ was a nasty bastard who’s pastime was beating his wife. One night Bing came home, pissed as usual, thumped her half-senseless in front of their kids, then passed out. The wife finally had enough so she took a .308 Winchester, put a round it, and shot Bing in the head. Problem was that she only blew his jaw off and woke him up. Terrified, she scrambled for more ammo while Bing was ki-yiing around. Her son came up with some 30/30 shells so she switched guns and finished Bing off. The jury acquitted her on the grounds of provocation and self-defense.

3. Wolfgang’s Roto-Tiller

Wolfgang was a mailman with a bad temper. He got in a fight with his wife and she fell back against the fireplace, struck her head, and died. Panicking, Wolfgang took her outside and built a huge bonfire to dispose of the body. This caused his neighbors to call the fire department who came screaming in and hosed-down the flames. They warned Ol’ Wolfie not to burn without a permit and left him with a half-finished job. Panicking again, Wolfgang chopped-up the charred remains and roto-tilled them into his garden. After a few weeks, relatives became suspicious that the wife was missing and went to police. Eventually Wolfgang confessed. A forensic excavation found hundreds of bits of charred bone and she was identified by her wedding ring.

2. The Gun Store

Mr. & Mrs. ‘L’ owned a mom & pop shooting-sports supply business. Michael Katz and Austin Peer escaped from jail and went on a bank robbery spree which required them to get more guns. They cased-out the store, then hit it right at closing time, forcing Mr. & Mrs. to lay on the floor, then executed them by shooting them in the back of the head. Katz & Peer loaded up dozens of handguns and assault rifles, along with hundreds of rounds of ammo, and fled back east where they were captured after a massive gunfight with Toronto PD. I never experienced such a cold-blooded, despicable act. The judge summed it up well at sentencing – “The law in Canada only allows me to give you life imprisonment with no parole for twenty-five years. If I had my way, I’d send you both out to the courtyard and hang you by the neck until dead.”

1. The Attic

Billy-Ray was a true psychopath who stalked his ex-girlfriend. He broke into her house and hid in the attic for two and a half days while she went about her business underneath. Sure enough, she came home with her new boyfriend. They made out, then went to sleep. Around 3 am, Billy-Ray climbed down with a brush-axe and chopped both their heads off. He then did some kinky things to her blood-bathed body and fled, leaving a trail of evidence behind that even a blind rookie could follow. The last I heard of Billy-Ray was that he’d raped his case-worker inside prison.